Articles

Regarding your services in Chicago

Melt in Hell you Hag!

Dear Chicago Winter:

I must inform you that after 47 work quality counseling sessions with company management and 67 written warning letters about your poor work quality, there has not been an acceptable improvement evident in your work. As we discussed on December 1st, 2009, you had to improve your work quality by December 2nd, 2009 to justify continued employment with this organization. The Nick Mikula is tired of your bull shit company has tried to work with you in every way possible to develop your work skills and to meet our quality production needs. However it has become evident that your work quality is not up to the standards required of our employees in the position you were hired to perform.

This leaves me with no choice but to tell you that your employment is terminated effective immediately. Please return all company property to my foot up your ass,  including your employee access badge.

Sincerely,

Nick Mikula

HR manager of Nick Mikula is tired of your bull shit

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Conversations With a Crazy Man

That title is a little misleading.  I didn’t have a conversation with a crazy man.  A crazy man had a conversation with himself, and I happened to be sitting next to him.

Picture yourself at 7:30 this morning.  You’re tired, you’re cranky, you don’t want to go to work.  You step on the bus and the only seat available is the one next to a man wearing a very fancy all white suit, and a grungy, dirty baseball cap.

Now imagine the man starts talking to no one.  At first you think he might be on a bluetooth headset talking to someone, but as you pause your iPod you realize he’s speaking absolute nonsense.  I would have given anything to have an audio recorder handy, but alas I did not.  Here’s what I can remember.  The order may be inaccurate but is that really important?  (Note:  Punctuation is intentionally left out as everything the man was saying was one run on sentence.)

You tell them don’t forget to tell them they gotta set their clocks back Saturday night or they ain’t gettin’ in and they ain’t gettin no Papa John’s you tell them you ain’t goin to court neither I don’t care about his shoes my coffee got burnt on yo ass HAHAHAHHAA don’t you never forget that neither I was tellin them I rode the purple line for fun it wasn’t no fun it was full of garbage and pancake batter man i told you no bacon on them eggs NO EGGS NO EGGS NO EGGS!

Oh Western bus, how I love thee.  It’s rare I don’t have an adventure when riding that route.

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Horse

HORSE!

What a sad excuse for a zebra.

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Broke in Chicago?

…of course you are. Who isn’t? We at Octavarius are all pretty cheap and try and find the most frugal ways to have fun, but boy these times are bonerrific tough. Even our Mayor Daley has to work through his birthday.

Fear not citizens, for there’s hope for us all! Our friends over at BrokeHipster.com have [...]

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Rush Limbaugh to Leave America, Disappointing the Fat Supervillains of the World

So Rush Limbaugh has declared that if Congress passes health care reform, he’s leaving America and moving to Costa Rica.  Apparently if Americans are given access to healthcare, he has lost the war.
Now, when I first heard this news, I did what most Americans probably did; the Snoopy Dance.  America’s loudest, angriest, and most hateful [...]

Dear Meryl Streep, Quit Acting in Movies and Join Our Group

Dear Meryl Streep,
Quit acting in movies and join our group. You are an incredibly talented and versatile performer. I believe that with your talent, you could easily be a fantastic improv comedian. Octavarius is doing our best to make shows that are fun, entertaining, and challenging artistically. We feel that you would be a fantastic [...]

Recipe: Waffle Ice Cream Sandwich

In an attempt to create something new an interesting, I decided to make a waffle ice cream sandwich. The thought struck me as I looked at the freezer in the grocery store which held both waffles and ice cream. Very insightful, I know.
Although it’s not quite as adventurous as the pizza-tini, I figured it’d be [...]

An urgent message from Computerland. Respond immediately!

Message from: Antivirus Vista 2010
Message to: The Internets
Hello, inferior beings. Or perhaps, since the celestial body that you call “Sun” has already passed its apex, you would be more comfortable with the traditional salutation of “good afternoon, inferior beings.”
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Antivirus Vista 2010, the newest Supreme Overlord of Tinz’s [...]

I’d go on a date with Helen Thomas

I just finished watching HBO’s documentary, Thank You, Mr. President, which is a 45 minute film with Helen Thomas commenting on her past 60+ years as a member of the White House Press Corp. Helen entered the White House Press Corp in 1960 as one of the few women in such an elite position. She [...]

Chicago Life (4 a White Guy)

Hey there everybody!  Keith and Tinz would like to share a great song with you!
This is just one of the great songs that’s on the Keith and Tinz album that can be purchased here

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