In this crazy world, folks do what they have to just to get by.  Sometimes we have to do fucked up things just to stay alive.  It’s not easy to live comfortably, pay the rent and feel emotionally and intellectually satisfied.  The game of life can very easily deal you a pretty lousy hand.  When that happens, sometimes good, law-abiding folks need to resort to extreme measures just to get by.

Is it ok to steal a loaf of bread?  That depends.  Is it to feed your starving family?  What about stripping for nickels at the local sailor bar?  It pays the bills, right?  How about kicking puppies?  Seems pretty wrong to me.  However, kicking a syringe-wielding demon puppy could very well save your life.

No gray areas here, folks. Just pure evil.

So the next time you find yourself in dire straits desperately acting out of character, ask yourself a few questions.  Namely, “What good could possibly come of this?”  Sometimes good people do bad things.  However, there are some things that only monsters do.  Here’s a few situations where you need to ask yourself some questions to see whether or not you’re a monster.

Should I Buy These Roofies Or Not?

No.  You shouldn’t.  I don’t know you and I don’t judge, but the answer to this question is no.  Do not buy roofies.  If you’re buying roofies, it’s because you’re a monster.   Plain and simple.  Don’t buy them.  Ever.  What good could come of it?

You hear me? You're a fucking monster.

I guess if you’re a veterinarian it’s ok to buy horse tranquilizers or something.  That is, only if the horse is sick and you’re sedating it for medical purposes.  If you’re going to slip the tranquilizer into the horse’s MGD 64 and rape it when it gets drowsy, then you’re fucking sick and there’s no justification for what you’ve done.

Your life and everyone else’s will be better off if you never buy roofies.  Trust me, dude.

I’m Thinking About Setting Up a Book Burning…

No.  Don’t hold a book burning.  You jackass.  What good has ever come from burning books?  I defy you to find some historical good that has come from burning books.  If you’re burning books it’s because you’re an idiot or a monster.  Seriously, if you’re facing a problem and your solution is a book burning, have a good friend bash in your skull with something heavy.  Your inability to think clearly is a danger to society.

This is really troubling because a Florida church is planning a Quran-burning ceremony this coming September 11th.  The Dove Outreach Center is holding it to protest a Muslim community center being built a few blocks away from Ground Zero because…um…I don’t really understand.  They say it’s to honor the heroes of September 11.

This apparently seemed like a good idea in 1930's Nazi Germany

2010...this really shouldn't seem like a good idea to anyone anymore

The leaders of this Florida church actually believe that the best way to preserve and celebrate American freedom is to hold a book burning.  I really hope that by the time 9/11/2010 rolls around, they will have come to their senses and called this off.  If not, I can only hope the realization hits them once it starts.

I can see it now.  The pastor tosses a match onto the pile of Quarans and as the gasoline ignites and the pile goes up in flames, his followers start cheering.  The pastor takes a few steps back from the billowing flames and says “Wow.  This is a pretty great book burning I organized.”  He smiles, looks around, takes a sip from his Mr. Pibb, and then the thought instantly hits him.  ”Oh my god I’m a monster and a psychopath I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated I’m the tyrant who hates freedom I’m everything that’s wrong with America and I need to be stopped.”

I guess that’s all I can hope for.

So yeah.  Don’t organize a book burning.  I guarantee you history will remember you not as a patriot, but as a vile, cowardly, pants-shitting embarrassment.  But if you do decide to participate in a Quaran-burning, make sure you wear a nice shirt.  You’re bound to be the shining star of the Taliban’s next recruitment video.

You fucking monster.

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