Octavarius Posts by Bogue

Rush Limbaugh to Leave America, Disappointing the Fat Supervillains of the World

By Bogue in Articles at March 9, 2010 – 3:39 pm

So Rush Limbaugh has declared that if Congress passes health care reform, he’s leaving America and moving to Costa Rica.  Apparently if Americans are given access to healthcare, he has lost the war.

Now, when I first heard this news, I did what most Americans probably did; the Snoopy Dance.  America’s loudest, angriest, and most hateful radio personality is leaving the country?  And we get healthcare?!  Where’s my tiny piano?  I wanna smile, tilt my head upwards, and dance on it!

Then I started thinking about all the people Rush would be letting down.  Namely Kingpin, Jabba the Hut, the Penguin, and every other rich, overweight nefarious cartoon villain who wants to take over the world.  In the kingdom of obese bad guys, Rush has now gone from a powerful king to a lowly peasant.

Rush has really let down his base.

Every day, Rush uses his microphone to strike fear into the hearts of the American people.  Until now, Rush has had everything he needs to be the fattest, most supervillainiest character the world has ever seen.

-         Millions of dollars

-         Legions of loyal followers

-         Evil-looking cigars

-         A rival he has sworn to defeat at all costs

Rush Limbaugh’s rival – the president of the United States.  While running for president, Barack Obama announced plans to fix our devastated economy, ensure health care for all, and give equal rights to gays.  In all of his fat, evil glory, Limbaugh let the whole world know that he will stop at nothing to make sure the president fails.  The blubbery evil-doers of the world were proud.

But now he’s throwing in the towel.  He’s saying that if America wins the fight and finally gets what they voted for, he will banish himself to Costa Rica.  I can’t believe he’s giving up the fight that easily.  I honestly expected Limbaugh to fight tooth and nail, until the day Princess Leia finally strangles him to death with her slave chain.  I guess I was wrong.

Come on, Rush. You owe us this.

There’s always the chance that Limbaugh will set up a secret volcano lair in Coasta Rica.  There he’ll live underground taking Oxycotin and constructing plans to rise up and strike back at Obama.  But what if he doesn’t?  What if he just gives up?

I guess our country will become less like a comic book.  Americans will have one less person to divide our country into good guys and bad guys.  The Republican Party will no longer have to apologize to their big fat drug-abusing spokesperson every time they try to say something reasonable.

EVERYBODY SNOOPY DANCE!

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Glenn Beck: Is He Andy Kaufman?

By Bogue in Articles, Features at February 24, 2010 – 3:59 pm

Glenn Beck: Professional Shitty Asshole

Andy Kaufman pretending to be a professional shitty asshole

Nobody can dispute what Andy Kaufman did for comedy.  Shunning the term “comedian,” Kaufman referred to himself as “a song and dance man.”  From wrestling women to creating the miserable alter ego Tony Clifton, Kaufman always put on a fantastic show.  Often playing despicable and wholly unlikeable characters, Kaufman always stayed a step ahead of his audience.  While crowds booed as Andy wrestled and insulted women, they cheered when Jerry Lawler challenged Kaufman.  Lawler broke Andy’s neck, and a heated feud between good and evil ensued.

Little did the audience know, Lawler and Kaufman had the whole thing planned and were laughing behind the scenes the whole time.

Fast forward to today.  Glenn Beck, a conspiracy-crazed, marshmallow-faced fatass is one of the most prevalent voices of today’s political pundits.

Glenn Beck explaining Obama's "oligarh" and why we should fear it.

A pudgy college dropout with no particular political leanings (Beck claims to be a libertarian but really, who the Hell knows?) Beck get five hours a week to plot out incoherent nonsensical bullshit about Barack Obama on a chalkboard.  In Beck’s world, Obama is a liberal/Marxist/Fascist/Communist/Maoist who is going to impose martial law on political dissidents.  Aside from his infamous “oligarh” segment pictured above (he was trying to spell oligarchy) he has also called Obama a racist, spoken openly of his hatred for the families of the 9/11 victims, and recently at CPAC he decried taxes while simultaneously talking about the usefulness of public libraries.

Oh, and he’s been known to resort to water works.

Life's hard when you're a fucking nutcase

When Andy Kaufman died of lung cancer in 1984, many of his fans cried foul.  While his family and loved ones attended his funeral and spent time with Kaufman during his final days, close friends including Bob Zmuda have said that Andy had talked about faking his death while he was alive.  When Andy was put to rest, the world couldn’t help but wonder if this was simply his biggest and most elaborate prank ever.

So what if this is it?  What if Glenn Beck is just a creation of one of comedy’s greatest geniuses?  A completely insane character obsessed with conspiracies and Communism.  A race-baiting, uneducated quasi-anarchist clown who uses fear appeals while simultaneously invoking the word of God.  His voice is loud and echoed throughout tv and radio waves, yet no sensible political leader of any party can truly embrace him.  He’s not a politician.  He’s some crazy fatass who has a tv show where he can say anything he wants without having to offer any proof.

Andy Kaufman was the master of playing characters people loved to hate.  Maybe when Beck runs for president someday, he’ll wash off his makeup and reveal himself to be a prank.  I’d like to believe a voice that paranoid and ridiculous could only be the work of a true comic genius.

After all, we’ve never seen the two together.

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Crying: Why Do We Do It? Did Cavemen Do It?

By Bogue in Articles, Features at February 8, 2010 – 10:49 pm

The big question of the day:  Did cavemen cry?

Short answer:  Yes (with questionable proof)

According to this artifact, not only did cavemen cry, they would do it in front of a boss (a modern day faux pas).

Long answer:  Inconclusive

Ok, so I’ve been doing a lot of research, and I can’t seem to find a single source that says cavemen ever cried.    Human beings can cry, so is it logical to assume that we’ve always cried?  Why would we be created with tear ducts if they were never to be used?

I guess that raises another question:  why would a caveman benefit from crying?  I guess it’s also fair to ask, how do we benefit by crying?

BENEFIT 1:  CRYING COMMUNICATES TO PEOPLE THAT YOU OR SAD, FRUSTRATED, OR HURT

Crying can convey emotion very well.  If someone is crying, it’s usually a pretty safe bet that something is wrong.  That’s why babies cry all the time.  They’re hungry, scared, cranky, outraged or some other extreme emotion and they can’t use words to express that.  Crying is about all they can do.

What's wrong, Dawson?

Just tell us what's wrong, Dawson. Clearly you're upset.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and bet all my money that at the very least, cave babies cried pretty often.  Diapers and Yo Gabba Gabba weren’t invented yet and eating scum found on the underside of a rock isn’t nearly as nourishing as a jar of mashed peas.

BENEFIT 2 – CRYING OFTEN ALLEVIATES STRESS AND PROVIDES A FEELING OF RELIEF

Studies show that people who are in touch with their emotions tend to feel a great deal of relief after intense crying.  Intense emotions will explode into a hysterical crying fit, but once the crying ends the person will be much more relaxed than before.

I’m guessing if cavemen ever became overwhelmed by life, crying probably could have done them some good.  And heavens knows those folks had problems.  They had to club animals to death for food.  Nobody had an idea what was poisonous or dangerous out in the wilderness.  Toilets didn’t exist.  Oh yeah, and they had to deal with saber tooth tigers.

Imagine if this was alive and every day you had to stress about whether or not it was gonna kill you. I'd rather worry about the recession thank you very much!

So cavemen had to struggle to survive and raise a child.  They had to club animals and other cavemen and eat them raw.  They had few ways to shelter themselves from nature.  And giant beasts with teeth over 1 foot long were always out looking to make them lunch.  After realizing this, would it have helped cavemen to just let it all out and sob uncontrollably?

I’m gonna say no.  After all, you have to keep quiet when a jungle cat is on the hunt for you.  I’m guessing cavemen had to suck it up, and keep doing whatever they could to survive without the waterworks.

Kinda sad, huh?

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Tired of Making Bad Decisions? Why Not Make a Delicious One Instead?

By Bogue in Articles

Hey there, gang.  We at Octavarius are relatively new to this adult thing.  We’re all in our early 20’s and sometimes we make mistakes.  Whether its spending too much money on video games, skipping expensive saxophone lessons, or eating a corndog pizza, we often do things regrettable in hindsight.
And it’s only natural.  Times are hard [...]

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Hamster Wheel Technology: Can it Fix the Energy Crisis/Health Care?

By Bogue in Articles

First and foremost.  I am not a scientist.  In fact, if you were to poll my friends, family, coworkers and assorted lovers, I don’t think any of them would describe me as “sciencey.”  However, they could very likely describe me as patriotic.  I love this country and it’s in trouble.  So like every other jackass [...]

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Dear Santa (How a Sex Offender Stole Christmas)

By Bogue in Articles

Yesterday the Postal Service decided to cancel their “Letters to Santa Program.”  Every year, letters to Santa are forwarded to North Pole, Alaska, which seems like a fun place to live.

Once there, a team of over 2,000 volunteers send replies to good little girls and boys all over the [...]

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Ah, Crap Guys. I Think Pandas Will Die Soon

By Bogue in Articles

Ok, so anyone who was at the Octavarius show three weeks ago knows what I’m talking about.   Experts are saying that pandas are probably gonna have to die out.

Now I know what you’re saying.  “Chris I love pandas!  How can this happen?”
And to that I say I DON’T KNOW!
Well, actually, it’s because pandas are [...]

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Thanks for Coming Out To Last Night’s Show!

By Bogue in Articles

Hey everybody!  Last night’s classic Nickelodeon show was hella fun!  Our suggestion was troll.

We got to see what happens when you hit the ground after continuously falling in a dream.  We learned lessons from the Billy Goats Gruff.  And most of all, we learned how utterly terrifying clowns are.
Special thanks to the hilarious antics of [...]

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Octavarius Returns This Sunday with a Treat for all You 90’s Kids

By Bogue in Articles

Ok 90’s kids, time to get nostalgic!
That’s right!   Come enjoy Old West Family Photo, Barry Men-ilow, and Octavarius as we celebrate the the best of 90’s Nickelodeon.

The show starts at 7:00 pm.  We will be playing at the Cornservatory on 4210 N. Lincoln Ave.  Tickets are $10 but you can get them for only $7 [...]

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Multiple Choice: Guns, Drugs, or Both?

By Bogue in Articles

Here in America’s crazy 2 party system, a lot of words get tossed around. Republicans and Democrats have begun to view one another as enemies. Right-wingers will call Democrats lazy hippie drug addicts and left-wingers call Republicans gun-crazy rednecks.

Both sides have their ups and downs, but sometimes I think my left-wing hippie friends and my [...]

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