ANIMAL FIGHTS!

UPDATE:

Upon further inspection some of the vids are very dumb.

Ophiuchus is also known as Serpentarius which is totally bad-ass.

This is it guys. This is our chance to change the type of people we are and blame it on nonsense! The zodialogical* world is on it’s head and none of it matters! If you haven’t heard, the zodiac signs we’ve all been following for the past thousands of years have just been bitch-slapped in the dick edited. There are new dates and a whole new sign: Ophiuchus [of-ee-yoo-kuhs]. Argue all you want, but that’s the way it be now. You only need look below for your new sign.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

He was totally in Zodiac (wink)

Now I don’t think anyone should be freaking out about these small changes. Jake Gyllenhaal certainly isn’t and neither am I. My transfer from the Taurus department to the Aries department is much welcomed! I love change, it’s healthy and promotes growth. For instance, as a Taurus I was prone to be self-indulgent, stubborn, romantic, and loyal. Fuck that I guess. Now, as an Aries, I am a born leader! A person who’s fearlessness is often mistaken for arrogance and who’s courage is unmatched! RAWR! I am awesome so, either way, this makes sense to me.

Nicholas James Mikula, on the other hand, is a different story. He was an Aquarius who are usually known for their vision, intellect and humanity. Nick is not known for any of these things. Lucky for him he’s a Capricorn now, which means he should be hard working? Maybe. Enjoys team sports? Probably not. Organized and efficient? No.

Lovable idiot.

What does this mean? Well, nothing actually, zodiac signs are useless. Technically none of this even applies to anyone born before 2009 so whatever. Stupid ancient Babylonians.

*Not a word.

Pics or it didn't happen. Amiright?

Secondly, wtf Arkansas? What happened? We turn our back for a few seconds and you let the shit hit the ecosystem!

If you haven’t heard by now, about 5,000 blackbirds fell from the Arkansas sky to end their pointless, feathery lives. I don’t know about you, but 5,000 is just too many number of birds to have raining down upon my brow. THEN tornadoes went ahead and killed three people, damaged 27 homes and six businesses. All of this on New Years eve!

"Hey stupid! G...Good party"

If that wasn’t enough, about 100,000 drum fish then decide to join the party by showing up, dead, on the shores of the Arkansas river near Ozark. What the hell is going on Arkansas? How could you let this all happen in the span of a few days? I demand an explanation and/or several explanations. No? Ok, I’ll just make up a few.

Religious:

It’s hard for me to fathom any god’s will, because I don’t really know what to believe. I do think, however, that there is something about the universe that ties and brings us all together, so trying to decipher seemingly random natural disasters is going to be a little tricky. I mean, all these news stories sound like they came right out of that one book, right? Falling birds from up on high might mean that those who hold all the power in Arkansas should beware. The mighty will fall. Tornadoes running amok might represent the struggling ideals changing back and forth is doing nothing but hurting the state itself. Dead fish washing ashore could be understood to mean that the commoners will…all die? Hmm. Or uh, I dunno. Maybe it’s a sign from God that (s)he hates the Razorbacks.

"Go Longhorns, bitches!"

Coincidence:

Shit happens. Like…all the time. Is it possible that all this could have happened by sheer chance? Yes. This my scientific equation to prove it

Anything is imaginable/Everything is possible = None of this matters

So a few tornadoes touch down in Arkansas. Big deal. There were tornadoes reported all over the Midwest around the same time, because the climate was unusually warm and that’s what happens.  OK, thousands of blackbirds fell from the sky at the same time. It was New Years eve and the combined stress of dealing with fireworks and the tumultuous weather could have caused all those birds to eat it hard. Now, I know what you’re thinking, 100,000 of the same species of fish dying at the same time is a little creepier. Yes, but it can still be explained by a simple disease that only that species of fish could be affected by. There. I win the logic party.

I am teh smrt.

Conspiracy:

Aliens dude. Aliens.

"Next on the agenda...fuck Arkansas."

Well, that’s all I got for now. Do all things happen for a reason? Is it all random? Are aliens fucking shit up? Who knows. Let’s just hope 2011 gets better for The Natural State and maybe the weird stuff will be spread around to the rest of the country. Most importantly though, let’s all hope I get many more kisses.

As we discussed in Podcast Pizza Party! Live!, pizza might be the greatest thing on the planet (besides love and basketball*). It’s perfect for any and all occasions! As I said in the podcast, I’ve only had one memorably lousy slice of pizza. It’s all been pretty OK since then and whether it’s a super tasty piece of pie, or a mediocre frozen disc of bread and cheese, I’m at least pretty happy with my meal. Just try to be unhappy eating a slice of pizza. I dare you.

Ugh. Just put it in your mouth Dawson.

Part of that happiness, for me, is increased exponentially by the fact that my childhood idols also thought pizza was the balls. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) were cool, spunky, dynamic, courageous and, best of all, ninjas. Of course I idolized them.

Never stop partying, guys...the world is watching.

I’m not going to lie to you…I liked pizza way before TMNT invaded my life. They just made it an absolute necessity.

Me: “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles like pizza, just like me?! Sweet!”

Playmates Toys: “No. They LOVE pizza and they LOVE you too.”

Me: “Quick! Here’s all my mom’s money!”

Playmates Toys: “Damn right.”

Consumerismbunga!

Now that I’m an adult and the popularity of those half-shelled freaks has waned, I can look back and definitively see assume just how much the pizza industry was affected in those turtle power times. I mean, I can’t imagine I was the only kid who chowed down on the totally delicious Ninja Turtles brand pizza. Or demanded to eat only Domino’s pizza after watching the first TMNT movie.

Even now, I can tell it’s subconsciously affected my life. My last 2 apartments with Castellvi have both been within 2 blocks of a Domino’s. I’d like to think that it was accidental, but the location of the nearest pizza place was totally discussed prior to us signing the lease. For realz.

These ladies ordered theirs with extra sex appeal.

Regardless, all I’m trying to say is that if your feeling down in the dumps, pick up your phone and dial your nearest pizza shoppe. They will bring you something so tasty that it’ll make you feel as cool as a ninja and as sexy as a turtle…but mostly, it’ll put a smile on your face.

*Wink

This is a video of me forcing gently coaxing a baby into saying my stupid nickname.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgTOJDMQ5tk

I win.

Recently, after a night of heavy conservative alcohol abuse, I wound up at Chicago’s famous* Diner Grill with some friends. At said diner, there’s a bit of a challenge to all patrons…

Finish a slinger and we’ll give you a piece of paper.

Fuck you Diner Grill. No 24/7 restaurant is going to issue me a pointless challenge, especially when I’m all hopped up on fighting Irish whiskey.

First, let’s take a step back and discuss what a slinger is.

• Take 2 hamburger patties and fry them to what I hope is medium
• Add 2 slices of cheese to each
• Layer with a crap-ton of hashbrowns
• I believe the 2 sunny side up eggs come next
• Smother in chili

That was inside me. Then I pooped it.

Now, in hindsight, I doubt it’s the amount of food that’s the challenge. It’s the testing of the whole “my body is a temple, but I’m allowing a deadly combination of shit into it” thing. Oof. Well, with the poison running through our system, we got a little nuts. Some food was fought with and some Hank Williams** was played on the juke box. Below is video evidence, in which I drunkenly plug Octavarius.com even though it was going on the site anyway. Hope you guys visit Octavarius.com after you check this post out! Derr!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM8gIMn_V68

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw4qWU7J1SY

*it’s not that famous

**more than likely was Lady Gaga

I know how you feel buddy. I'm a mayor as well...on 4Square.

Fear not citizens, for there’s hope for us all! Our friends over at BrokeHipster.com have been working so hard to find you what’s free and cheap in Chicago. Everyday! Whoa! From free coffee and free open mics with cheap drink specials, to $1 taco deals!

Yup. 100 tacos for $100.

Everyday at BrokeHipster.com is something different and fun, just like here at Octavarius. So go check them out, unless you hate fun. But how can you hate free fun? Especially when fun is everywhere. Wink!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=el68KKA-g7k

www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3VDYXnOyNU

JUSTICE AND SCIENCE FOR ALL!