It’s Time For Crappy Christmas Gifts!

If you listened to this week’s podcast, you know that here at Octavarius we love us some Christmas presents.  That’s what I’d like to talk to you about today.  But not the type of Christmas presents you might expect.  Toys, DVDs, clothes… those are all fine and good, but why not ask for things you don’t want?

2 years ago, I decided to start a tradition with my then fiance’ Susan.  I pitched her my idea and she agreed to do it.  We’d buy normal presents for each other, but we also had to get something obscure, offensive, or otherwise useless.  Something you might be embarrassed to show people.  This Christmas marks our third year doing this, and let me tell you I’m excited to see what I get.

I know what you’re thinking.  “Scotty D, if this is your third year doing this, why not share your gifts from Christmases past?”

Shutup.  I’m getting there.  Here we go!

Christmas 2008

Our first year trying this out.  My gift wasn’t very funny or offensive, it was more “cute” than anything else.  I bought Susan Diet Coke.  A lot of it.

She drinks Diet Coke like water.  I got her 6 packs, 2 liters, 24 packs, the lot.  It lasted her 2 weeks.

In hindsight that wasn’t really the greatest gift for this type of thing, but she got a kick out of it.  Susan however went full throttle and got me:

Glitter Jesus. It’s a statue of our Lord and Savior. Covered in glitter. Shiny and glorious.

I was floored.  Where do you even get something like this?  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, Susan told me to turn it around.  I did:

No, that’s not the hole from where the Romans stabbed him.  It was a bank!  Now I could save up change to feed the poor in style.  Thanks, Susan.

Susan: 1
Scott: 0

Christmas 2009

Ok – I was ready to step it up this year. Susan definitely bested me last time but I wasn’t going to let that happen again this year.  Susan gave me her gift in a small box.  I opened it up and found a statue of our 44th President…

…as a horrifying demon.  You can’t really tell from the picture but this thing is detailed. His teeth are dirty, there are individual scales.  Quality craftsmanship here.  Someone really hated Obama.

Good job, Susan.  But I won’t go out without a fight.  Open your present.  I got you:

That’s right.  A “New Choice Ovulation Predictor.”  From a dollar store. (No shit – the shelves were stocked full with these.)

Pee on the stick and within 10 minutes you’ll know if your ovaries are prime for the baby makin!  Then go back to the dollar store for the New Choice Pregnancy Test.

I don’t know what was worse – the face of the guy that scanned this at the dollar store, or that they sell ovulation tests at the dollar store.

We both laughed our asses off as our gifts and decided that I won this year.

Susan: 1
Scott: 1

This year is a tie breaker!  Check back after next weekend to see what shitty gifts we got each other this year.

Merry Christmas!