Cheer up, Cubs: 5 curses that it would be WAY worse to have

As a Cubs fan, this baseball season has so far been a frustrating one: at the time of writing this post, the Chicago Cubs boast an extremely unimpressive record of 30-44. This, in a game where a player is already applauded for failing only seven out of every ten times at bat. When I look at my beloved teams’ penchant for the disabled list, apparent contest for the most errors, and their 2011 season calendar (currently the only one in baseball that still doesn’t have three wins in a row), I can only imagine that if I ever meet the Cubs’ Manager, Mike Quade I’d only have one thing to say to him:

“Sorry about the curse, dude.”

Yes, the easiest and most logical solution to all of us North-Siders’ problems is to blame the infamous Billy Goat Curse. During Game 4 of the 1945 World Series against the Detroit Tigers, apparent crazy person Billy Sianis and his pet goat Murphy were ejected from Wrigley Field by then-owner P.K. Wrigley, mainly because fans objected to the smell of the goat and because it’s ridiculous to assume that you can bring a goat to a sporting event with a ticket meant for a human. Seriously, that’s really unreasonable. Nevertheless, apparent crazy person Billy Sianis was outraged by Wrigley’s modest request to escort his farm animal from the baseball stadium and, in an act of grammatical felony, declared “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more.” The Cubs ended up losing Game 4, possibly because of the remnant goat stench. Apparent crazy person Billy Sianis’ family alleges that he later sent a telegram (read: message scrawled into the side of a rat and tied to a quail) to P.K. Wrigley stating “You are going to lose this World Series and you are never going to win another World Series again. You are never going to win a World Series again because you insulted my goat.”

"Eggplants is eggplants! Where's my sky-train?" - Billy Sianis

Whether this was a legitimate curse placed on the Cubs or the moonshine-fueled ramblings of a bowtie-festooned madman, the Cubs lost the 1945 World Series and have never been back since. While this is certainly a rough curse for any Cub or Cubs fan, there are some curses that it would be way less enjoyable to have. Like the ones below this sentence.

1. The Curse of the Bambino

OK, let’s start with the other baseball curse. And that one starts with Babe Ruth, who started out in the majors with the Boston Red Sox. Originally a pitcher (and a pretty damn good one), it was discovered that he really, really kicked ass at hitting baseballs. So much so, in fact, that his position was switched to outfielder just so he could bat in every game instead of just the ones he was pitching in. In the 1919-1920 offseason, Red Sox owner did what any other sane man wouldn’t: he traded Ruth to the Yankees for some fatty cash. The Red Sox were cursed by the decision from then on, not able to win a World’s Series until an agonizing 86 years later. In some ways, even though they were finally able to break it, this curse is far worse than the Billy Goat Curse. For one, the Red Sox made the World’s Series four times during the stretch of the curse, making each loss that much more painful. Worse still, every time the Red Sox got close and failed, fans could point to an owner’s personal decision instead of the voodoo hex of some smelly horned mammal and his pet goat.

2. Little Bastard

James Dean’s silver Porsche 550 Spyder he called “Little Bastard” is mad cursed. It first struck when Dean was killed while driving the car (it was struck by an oncoming vehicle). Within the year, it was involved in two other fatal crashes. It was later purchased by a hot rod designer, at which point the car took the opportunity to fall on a mechanic during a tune-up. The engine and transmission were separated and sold to two doctor race-car drivers (that’s real), while the tires were sold to someone else entirely. The doctors raced against each other using their newfound parts, resulting in one being killed and the other being seriously injured. (But at least he was a doctor, right?) Meanwhile, all of the tires blew, sending the driver of that Frankencar to the hospital. Is it not clear to everyone in the world yet how dangerous this car is??

Little Bastard’s remains were going to appear in a car show, but a fire broke out in the building the night before the show, destroying every car in the building. Oh, wait. Every car except Little Bastard, who survived the fire unscathed. It was then loaded onto a truck to be brought to California. Yep – the driver lost control, was thrown out of the truck, and crushed by Little Bastard. Stephen King couldn’t have written a more inconceivable tale of car murder.

That...little...jerk!

3. Atuk

I was surprised that I had never heard of this one, which is really spoOoOoOoky. Atuk was supposed to be the movie adaptation of a 1963 novel about an Inuit man adjusting to life in the modern world. The movie never got made because it had the curious quirk of killing every actor who read the script. John Belushi was reportedly the first to be considered for the lead role. Shortly after he read the script in 1982, he was found dead of a drug overdose. The movie was apparently shelved for a while until the script found its next suitable victim: Sam Kinison, who actually took on the role in 1987 and filmed at least one scene for the film. He quit the project early on, and a car accident took his life at a premature age in 1992. In 1994, the producers of Atuk somehow decided that this was still a good idea to push forward, and they showed the script to John Candy. My sources state that Candy was actually reading this demon-script when he died of a heart attack. This story gets pretty grim, but it appears to have finally ended in 1998. When Chris Farley was up for the lead. Oh yeah, and Farley thought Phil Hartman would make a great co-star, so he showed him the script too.

4. The 27 Club

The 27 Club refers to a group of musicians throughout rock history that have, rather suddenly, died at the age of 27 (a number which itself is linked in a number of ways to bad luck and curses). Most notable from this list are Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Cubs fans may have to wait a while before we see a World Series win, but at least we don’t have to see a significant portion of the team die every season.

5. Tecumseh’s Curse

This famous curse refers to presidents befalling unfortunate deaths when they began a term in a year ending with a zero. Check this out:

1840 – William Henry Harrison won the presidency under the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too”, referring to his participation of 1811’s Battle of Tippecanoe in which Tecumseh’s forces were defeated. Harrison’s presidency lasted a month and then he got sick and died.

1860 – Abraham Lincoln. Yep.

1880 – James Garfield officially took office in March of 1881. In July of that year, he was shot by a man disgruntled by the fact that he was denied a position in Garfield’s administration. He died on September 19th because of the gunshot. I found an 1881 calender online and verified that, yes, Garfield died on a Monday.

1900 – William McKinley is elected to his second term. He is shot a year later by a bullet that made much of history forget who he was.

1920 – Warren G. Harding was apparently not a good president. In 1923 the stroke that killed him was not a very good stroke. Unless you grade a stroke by how well it kills someone.

1940 – FDR was elected to his second term. He suffered a cerebral hemorrhage in 1945, which was the beginning of his fourth term. But he was elected in a year that ended in a zero, so it still counts, dammit. It still counts.

1960 – JFK. Yep.

1980 – Ronald Reagan is elected. in March of 1981 Reagan was shot in Washington, D.C., but thanks to medical practices no longer being slow and terrible, he survived. And guess what? He survived the rest of his term. The fact that George W. Bush made it out of his presidency alive suggests that Reagan broke the 140-year-old curse once and for all.