Come on, Obama.  Just shut it off.  Shut off the Internet and rule us.  Now’s as good a time as ever.

I mean, really, what have you gained by not shutting off the Internet?  You’ve got legions of people who believe you’re a Kenyan, Muslim, black panther, antichrist, godless, terrorist-associating, arugula-eating, Eagle Scout-snubbing tyrant who wants to destroy America.  And that hurts.  No matter how bipartisan you attempt to be, you will never win your critics over.  Ever.  Bending over backwards to their every whim will get you nowhere, as evidenced by the recent scandal over Shirley Sherrod.

Propagandist/attention whore Andrew Breitbart

Shirley Sherrod, former USDA head and anti racist

For those of you who are out of the loop, here’s what’s been happening in the news recently.

• The NAACP issued a statement calling on the Tea Party members to condemn the open racists in the movement.
• The Tea Party denies they have racists in the movement and responds with “I know you are but what am I?”
• Right-wing blogger Andrew Breitbart, who is famous for releasing heavily-edited misleading videos to smear left-leaning figures and organizations, releases a video where it appears that that USDA head and NAACP member Shirley Sherrod admits in a speech to being racist against white people.
• Fox News runs with Breitbart’s story.
• The White House and the NAACP freak out and force Sherrod to resign to avoid dealing with yucky race issues.
• Finally, the full video of Sherrod’s speech is released.  Turns out it was not racist, but rather the complete opposite.  It was very clearly a speech seeking to correct social injustices and promote racial harmony.

So yeah, the Obama White House fucked up.  Fox News is a neverending stream of bad press so they tried to minimize image damage as best they could.  With the neverending shit parade of problems in the country right now (multiple wars, giant oil spills, crumbling economy, etc) the administration can’t spend time protecting administration officials accused of racism or any sort of radicalism.  That’s why the second Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck (who might be Andy Kaufman) pick up a story by Breitbart, the target of said video is immediately thrown under the bus.  That’s what happened to ACORN. They were an organization that didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but once Breitbart smeared them, they lost their funding and shut down.  Now the damage has been done to a good woman who didn’t do anything wrong.

This is really one of those damned if you do/damned if you don’t situations.  Thus far, Obama’s response has been act rationally, avoid controversy at all costs.  Thus far, that’s failed.  This doesn’t look bad for Fox or Breitbart, it looks bad for Obama.  Breitbart and Fox are saying “Haha, we produced a misleading racist attack job and you fell for it, Fartbama!  Everyone!  Look at how incompetent Fartbama is!”

Barackula Hussein Fartbombus has done it again, folks!

Breitbart and Fox News LOVE to tear Obama’s asshole open when he does totally not crazy things.  Like when the president made a video for school kids reminding them to work hard and listen to their teachers.  He was accused of indoctrinating children and forming some sort of new Hitler youth.  Then there was health care, where senior citizens were guaranteed “end of life counseling.”  This turned into “Obama’s gonna establish death panels to kill your gam gam.”  These aren’t disagreements about policy, these are lies designed to rile up conspiracy nuts.

Death camps for grandmas? That sounds about right. To the Internets!

So what should Obama do?  Some crazy shit.  Make folks like Breitbart earn their right to go nuts.

Tomorrow, at 7 am Eastern Standard Time, buy 10 cats and put them each on private jets bought with tax dollars.  Send them to China.  Make sure you appoint a bunch of known racists to your staff so they can accompany the cats and learn everything they can about Chinese Communism and media censorship.  They are now “Communism Czars” who are in charge of abolishing capitalism and destroying American bootstraps to keep our plucky, hard-working nation from being able to rely on themselves.  When the media/blogosphere starts going nuts, address the nation live from the Oval Office, where a video feed will show you shirtless, lighting a joint with the Constitution, and laughing.  Shut off the entire Internet and start signing executive orders to systematically destroy everything America holds dear.  In addition to abolishing the 2010 and 2012 elections, cancel Veterans Day, Christmas, and um…fuck it…outlaw fishing or something.  All the while, have your army of illegal immigrants and your terrorist Al Qaeda pals round up all white women, political dissidents, old people, and Sarah Palin’s kids.  Force them to farm arugula and chant “America is number 2.”  Then have them incinerated.

Because right now, you’re letting them have their cake and eat it, too.  You’re afraid of their backlash so your opponents get to play games and make the rules up as they go.  They’ve let you become a Muslim, an atheist and a militant Christian all at the same time.  Somehow you’re simultaneously a community organizer who’s soft on crime and sings Kum By Yah to terrorists and also an iron-fisted tyrant who will put your opponents in concentration camps.  There’s nothing you can do without being painted as a criminal out to destroy the country.  So go nuts.  Shut off the Internet and give spineless pricks like Breitbart something to actually be afraid of.

Cause you will never get a chance to just be Barack Obama, the man who inherited a big mess and is trying his best to fix it.  An intelligent man with ideas that people may not always agree with, but someone who’s trying to bring the country together nonetheless.  You will always be painted as the bad guy by these fucks who have nothing better to do but to prey upon the most paranoid and naive among us.  So shut off the Internet and blow up South Carolina or something.  And when the news media focuses for the first time on something truly nefarious you’ve done for no reason other than the intoxicating rush of abusing your own power, pass Cap and Trade or repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

That’ll learn em.

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