Hey Joseph Gordon Levitt,

Yes, the sexiest man around.  Come have pizza with me and the crazy improv group Octavarius!  No, I’m serious.  I think it would be a lot of fun.  We would eat, laugh, drink, intercourse, talk, and overall have wonderful times.

Octavarius loves to be creative and produce entertaining videos and sketches.  Your cool and  interesting production company HitRECord(www.hitrecord.org) is such an amazing idea and it would be great to talk about HitRECord over some famous Chicago deep dish pizza.. and maybe in my bed.

Joseph = my hero.   You used your powers for good.  Meaning you used your fame and a following as a portal for other unknown artists to create and collaborate real work, that actually gets displayed.  I believe this is the coolest and most non selfish idea ever.   Not to mention you also have very sexy video posts on www.HitRECord.org, especially the one where you crashed into a cab, fell off your bike and got 30 something stitches.

Also, Tinz, an Octavarius improv member, said if I could get you to have pizza with us, he would get you to marry me….which would be a plus for me.

Please consider the offer.   Thank you.

Lauren “Timoney”  or “Mrs. Gordon Levitt” Aimone

Octavarius Company Stage Manager

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvOZSHnLmTs

This is just one of the wonderful things that Robert has brought us.

Also this video exhibits Robert’s constant hate of varius members of Octavarius.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eptZ6_Z-X2o

The contract, drawn up by Marc Muszynski:

Over five years ago Castellvi was foolish enough to make a friendly (read: venomous) wager with me about the outcome of LOST. The fool actually thought that my brilliant mind wouldn’t be able to put together all of the carefully-placed pieces of LOST’s 121 episodes and reconstruct the series’ vision of a completely rational, scientifically plausible island experience.  For the past several weeks Castellvi has been prattling on about ME having lost our half-decade bet (in brief moments of clarity in between his psychoses brought on by huffing the contents of inflated airbags). Can you even believe that?

"But airrrrrbags...dey be so tayyysty!" Matt Castellvi

Castellvi, the good news for you is that you’ve presented me with about 20 “bet-winning” “gaps of logic and science” within the show. The bad news is that I’m going to debunk every single one of them and show that the series IS possible within the laws of science. Tremble in the face of my logics, and weep as you taste the juicy, medium-rare flavors of defeat!

• 1. The smoke monster WAS just a system of nanobots. It is so technologically advanced that it was capable of projecting a realistic hologram of John Locke and others, giving the appearance of assembling itself into human form.
• 2. The near-constant repetition of the numbers throughout the series actually held no significance. The Atlanta Journal of Actuarial Science reports that 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 are the six most commonly-used numbers – in every culture.
• 3. Rose’s terminal cancer, which “magically disappeared” on the island, was a miracle: a miracle of science. In Season 1, Episode 5 (“White Rabbit”), she steps on something sharp, exclaiming “Ouch! What was that? Probably nothing.” A zoomed-in screenshot shows that she stepped on the needle of a small syringe labeled “Dharma Remission Serum”.
  

  He's "cooking up" a concession speech.

• 4. Richard Alpert was never granted immortality. The 2010 Spanish census reports that the average life expectancy of a Spanish man is 377 years. Surprised? You shouldn’t be; get off the couch and read a foreign census report once in a while.
• 5. The gigantic electromagnet capable of pulling a plane out of the sky but not powerful enough to implode the hatch at the same time? The only explanation is that it must have been an AEM (aerial electromagnet), which magnifies its power exponentially above an elevation of 20,000 feet.
• 6. In Season 2, Episode 9 (“What Kate Did”), Kate sees a black horse on the island that she saw long before Oceanic Flight 815. This is a common phenomenon known as equine relocation, in which a horse that has a strong affinity toward a human or animal can concentrate hard enough to dissipate and briefly reassemble its atoms near the object of its affection. (Source: Extraordinary Horses Quarterly, February 2007) This has not been heavily documented since horses are generally easily distracted and most are incapable of loving.
• 7. Big shocker: “time travel” on the island was all an elaborate Dharma prank. Remember that episode of South Park where everyone accidentally convinced Cartman that he died? If a handful of children can do that by mistake, it should come as no surprise that dozens of highly-qualified scientists were capable of coordinating what to say to the survivors, such as “Why, it’s 1955, of course!”. What better way to keep the losties in line than to constantly confuse them with lines like “President? Ronald Reagan? The actor!?” and “What do you mean your parents fell in love at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance? Why, that dance is tonight!”

Are you taking this all in, Castellvi? Hello?? Castellvi? Anybody home?? Think, Castellvi, think!

"OH GOD TINZ, YOU'RE SO RIGHT!!!"

• 8. Before Flight 815, Jacob personally touched all of the people that he “selected” to be on the island. This only looks like magic selection because of the shots that they chose for Season 5’s finale “The Incident”. What they didn’t show you was the footage of the other six billion people that he touched. Jacob had made it his life’s quest to personally make physical contact with every human being on the planet. Guess what? He succeeded.
• 9. People on the island frequently “saw” old friends, deceased family members, etc. on the island. Every person to whom this applies had, at one point or another, stepped on the beach’s sand with their bare feet. National Geographic eXtreme (July 1988) reported a number of beaches containing hallucinogenic sand (informally known as “Scarecrow Sand”). Grains of this sand enters the bloodstream through pores in the feet, causing the victim to “see visions of old friends, deceased family members, etc.”
• 10. Miles could never actually have conversations with the dead. He did, however, have such an acute sense of smell that just by walking over a grave he could could tell how they died (by smelling gunpowder, poison, or gangrene on the buried body), who they were (by smelling the contents of their wallets) and how they felt before they died (by smelling their minds).

Whoa, lost my train of thought for a second. I was too focused on how delicious my free steak is going to be.

• 11. The island can not be found by anyone who doesn’t already know where it is. Because it was a really cloudy day when the Google Maps team was taking satellite pictures over the area. This is not that hard to figure out, people.
• 12. After the destruction of the hatch, Desmond Hume supposedly traveled back to London and relived his past. Extended, lifelike delusions have been known to trigger during momentary comas (or “momas”). People often experience momas of five seconds or less after having been exposed to a powerful magnetic field, though their vivid dreams may seem to have taken place over the course of months or even years. (Source: So You’ve Had A Moma, Dr. Emmitt Sanders, Dallas Press, 1997)
• 13. After his moma, Desmond can supposedly predict the future, saving Charlie’s life several times. More like he had a series of really lucky guesses.
  

  "I'm so 'doggone' tired of Tinz being right all the time!"

• 14. Jacob’s lighthouse mirror can see anywhere in the world that he points it towards. Jacob simply had an ultramirror, which you can make at home! Simply take an ordinary hand mirror, and with a new, soft towel polish it 5,000 times clockwise (NOT COUNTERCLOCKWISE. I can not stress this enough; if you value your life and the lives of your family, DO NOT polish it counterclockwise). Whisper the name of the person that you wish to spy on and point it in their general direction. Congratulations! You’ve just made an ultramirror. (Source: Highlights For Kids, July 2009)
• 15. The implausibly enormous four-toed statue that Jacob stays in was built over 15,000 years ago when, according to realsciencestuff4you.com, the average person was 70 feet tall and capable of building up to 4 implausibly enormous statues in his/her lifetime.

The thought of that wonderful steak is so powerful, I’m salivating all over the internet right now.

• 16. The “cork” pulled out of the cave that makes the island begin to crumble and fall was removed from an “earthquake hole”, a pit typically found along large fault lines. When its “earthquake cork” is removed, the fault lines smash together in a spectacular fashion capable of sinking large islands. (Source: “Hey, What Ever Happened To Atlantis?”, Time Magazine, November 15, 2007)
• 17. Sayid never died and never got resurrected in the temple. Yes, I know that you saw it happen in Season 6. But did you bother to take note of when that episode aired? April Fools Day. Don’t look it up.
• 18. The cabin on the island appears in three separate locations throughout the series. Or does it? Another close-up reveals the following carved into the door of each cabin: “Cabin 1″, “Cabin 2″, and “Cabin 1…just kidding, this is Cabin 3″.
• 19. Jacob and the Man In Black were never granted immortality. They actually can time-travel – very fortunate considering that the only other person capable of time travel is the famous time burglar John Smith (Source: johnsmithprofessionaltimeburglar.wordpress.com). Ever wonder why you’ve met so many John Smiths in your lifetime? They’re all the same person.

• 

  "Oh well. Better console myself by sucking up another delicious airbag."

• 20. The “flash-sideways” purgatory realm was completely misinterpreted by everybody. Everyone survived the island, left, and met back up in the church five years later for a heartfelt reunion. Also, it was all a dream anyway. How do I know that this is true? Because if it’s not, then I have to buy Castellvi a steak dinner.

I rest my case, Castellvi. I’ll see you at Gibson’s. Bring plenty of cash.

That's real live nonsense right there!

For those who haven’t heard the space podcast, this picture might be a little overwhelming.  I assure you that once you do listen, all of this will be cleared up.

A question you might be left asking, however, is “who could make such a picture?”  I’m glad you asked.

Meet RJ Tortoriello.

Help him! He's falling through that tiled sky!

RJ is a simple man with more electronic based knowledge than… well… most simple men.  He has worked for the geek squad, fixed my (and many other peopls) computer(s) dozens of times, and has had countless other computer fixing/running/hacking jobs.

Because of his great efforts in cyber world… we asked him if he could make us funny pictures.

So from now on, many of our podcasts will be delightfully accompanied by ridiculous pictures made my RJ himself.  His work will probably begin appearing in other posts as well.  So keep an eye out for more fun in picture form.

Oh, and really look at that Tinzflex.  God… it’s horrifying.

Ready to make the day fantastic!

Sometimes you get up and decide that today will be different from any other day. Tinz and I did that on Saturday, March 13th.

After having awesome breakfast and coffee, we headed straight to the Chicago Music Exchange to check out new bass guitars. Tinz needed a sweet bass to finally round out his amazing arsenal of instruments for rocking.

Takin' the bass for a walk!

What better way to attack your day than with matching shirts? Wearing matching shirts with your friends! Tinz, myself, and the members of Octavarius agree that wearing matching shirts with friends always makes the day more exciting. It begs the questions, “Are they on a team?”, “Why?”, and “These are adults, right?”.

We then decided to head to The Orbit Room to have their special *secret* Blackened Cajun-Style Chicken Chipotle Mac & Cheese! If you haven’t checked out their Mac & Cheese, do yourself a favor and pig out there.

You know you're jealous. And yes, there is also bacon in it!

As Tinz and I were enjoying our Mac & Cheese, we also were drinking Allagash White and Robert the Bruce beers and finished our meals with some good shots of Powers Irish Whiskey. We had a long day ahead of us, so I forwent my usual Templeton Rye Manhattan. As we continued our food and drink extravaganza, we were lucky enough to be met by Octavarius member, Matt “LP” Gutierrez! We were lucky enough to get him to hang with us for a while before he took over for Kelly. We also made him and Kelly have some of our Mac & Cheese so they could share in our joy.

Everyone loves matching shirts and Badass Mac & Cheese!

Full of delicious Mac & Cheese and booze, we decided to take shit to the next level by doing the next logical thing in our matching shirts: Attend a wedding!

That’s right. The newlywed Mr. and Mrs. Rutheford were so generous to allow us to join friends and family in celebrating fun, love, and life on the South Side! Tinz and I were lucky enough to find more fun beer there, managing to get some great Bell’s Amber Ale on tap. The Rutheford’s decided to have a super cool photo booth in their wedding for all of the guests to take pictures and put into a special photo album with well-wishes for the happy couple!

Our entry into the lives of the happy couple. Yup. Still wearing the same shirts.

Our message to them read as follows: God bless you both on your wedding day and may The Force be with you both for the rest of your lives!

Your Friends in Time,

Brian Wohl & Tinz

After that we ended up meeting with Octavarius to revel in fun, but during the revelry, we got very drunk and lost the ability to take pictures. All I will leave you with is our final photo of the night with the happy couple.

Yeah, they let us in their wedding!

WHAT A FUN SATURDAY!

This morning CNN ran a story about the results of Saturday’s earthquake in Chile. While the quake was of course not what the residents of Chile wanted to deal with on a Saturday, it did have one interesting effect. According to NASA scientists, enough mass shifted from the outer layers of the earth to the inside on Saturday that it caused a significant change in its distribution of mass.

Lemme hit you with some science. You know how when a figure skater pulls in his/her arms while turning to make his/herself turn faster? That’s because when gold medalist Evan Lysacek does so he’s bringing lots of his mass closer to his center of rotation (the middle of his body), making him much easier to spin. (You can try this at home if you butter your kitchen floor!)*

The same principle applies on a global scale. It’s as if Mother Earth was doing an eternal triple Axel, and on Saturday she moved her arms in closer to her body. This means that our planet is now spinning slightly faster, which means the day is now permanently shorter. Unlike the facts in most of my articles, I am not making this up. This actually happened.

Be afraid, America: Our day is now 1.26 microseconds (or 1.26 millionths of a second) shorter.

Be even more afraid: This is happening more often than you’d think. Back in 2004, the earthquake in the Indian Ocean that caused the famous tsunami shortened our days by 6.4 microseconds. And we weren’t even told about it.

Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’…into the future.

THE GOOD NEWS: I have a master plan to make our lives immensely easier based on this science. Evan Lysacek knows that he can pull his arms in to make himself spin faster, AND he can bring them far away from his center to slow himself down. Perhaps this will make more global sense to all of you non-scientists if I illustrate my idea with my scientific drafting software:

My modest proposal involves us sucking up roughly half of the matter from the Earth’s core (presumably through a series of tubes) and placing it (carefully) on the surface of the planet. I am essentially proposing that we use science** to force Mother Earth to stretch out her arms. By my calculations (read: guesses), we’ll slow the planet down to a 32-hour day, which means 8 hours of extra sleep (or partying) for us every day!

Best of all, my master plan comes with absolutely no repercussions!*

• No instant drastic cooling of the Earth due to an absence of heated core!
• No insane rises in sea level resulting from new land masses being dropped from giant tubes into the oceans!
• No psychologically horrible period of everyone attempting to retrain their internal clocks!
• No laughable waste of manpower and resources for a decades-long project!

I’ve saved the day again! You’re welcome!

*Octavarius claims no responsibility for injuries sustained by figure-skating on a buttered floor.

**And possibly magic.

***Note: In order for said repercussions not to exist, everyone is required not to think about them.

I present to you, Mr. Mendes, your next Bond villian!

RUSSIAN TINZ

DA!

Okay, Mendes, he is an ex KGB agent, that disguises himself as a cook for Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

DA DA!

Surpise! He informs 007 of his secret plan to poison all of Britian’s food supply!

DA DA SCIENCE!

Here, Russian Tinz tortures James Bond with history of first Czar.

DA DA EVIL!!

In the climax of the film, Russian Tinz, leader of the Communist Cult, is foiled by 007 by eating poisoned hot pockets.

Sam Mendes, I thank you for your time.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVEGKdjQ-Dw

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1QS4UbsdO4