By 
Today, I was coming home and this old guy who my uncle knows threw my uncle’s ring in the fire. Then he gave it to me. Apparently because I touched it, I have to go all the way to Mordor. You know, the Land of Doom, and throw it into a volcano. FML
Today, I was fighting this asshole because he killed my father. I was just about to avenge his death when he cuts my hand off and tells me that HE is my father. My dad cut my hand off. FML
Today, I found out that our elderly female nanny from Scotland is really our father dressed in drag. He has been doing this for months and I just found this out when I walked in on him pissing standing up. FML
Today, I found out I’m a ghost. I died like a year ago and I still was doing my therapist job. I was scheduling appointments and doing ghost laundry for weeks before I looked at the back of my shirt. I could have been fucking Marilyn Monroe! FML
Today, I found out that my best friend, who I have been hanging out with for months, is just my split personality. I have been talking to myself like an idiot and no one said anything because its the first two rules. FML
Today, I just found out that they have a cave troll. FML
Today, I found that my whole life and everything around me is an illusion and I have been living in a tube for my whole life in the future while robots drain my body energy. That means technically I’m still a virgin. FML
Today, wanted to see what sex was like so I fucked a pie. Just as I was about to cum, my dad walks in. I forgot my dad was Eugene Levy. FML
Today, I was interrogating a suspect and I drilled him for an hour and a half and I thought I got everything I needed out of him. Just as I released him, I looked behind me and saw that he was just reading things that were on the bulletin board. I wasted an hour and a half and I had the mastermind in my office the whole time. Also I have to buy the chief a new mug because I dropped his. FML
Today, I found out that this retard who was in my platoon in Vietnam has done more with his life than I ever have or will. Now I have to be on his boat to look for shrimp because I bet him he was too stupid to get one. Did I mention I have no legs? FML
Today, I realized that the awesome and magical land I traveled to and the insane adventure I was on was just a dream. Now I have to continue to live with my poor and pathetic family in black and white. FML
Today, I went to a parent teacher meeting to find out why my child hasn’t learned anything but music at his school. As his teacher was explaining , the cops came. Apparently my son’s teacher was just a guy who wanted to exploit our children for their musical talents and start a rock band. What’s worse is he got away. FML
Today, is Groundhog Day and I found out it is repeating over and over again. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I have been trying to bang this broad for fifty of this day and she still won’t put out. FML
Today, I found out the term “unsinkable ship” just means “until an iceberg hits it”. FML
Today, I was eating my breakfast and some guy came running outside and screamed that Soylant Green is made of people. I have been eating this shit for years. I’m a cannibal. FML
Today, my team lost the World Series because the other team had angels in their outfield. This means there is a God. God exists and he hates me and my team. FML
Today, I found out that the bio dome that took years and years to build and isolate has been invaded by two half-wits. Everything has been ruined in three days. FML
Today, I was flirting with this bad boy for sometime and I finally got the courage and said “I love you” to him. What does he say? “I know”. Then he was frozen in carbonite. FML
Today, I saw the film Farenheit 9/11. I’m George W. Bush. FML
