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If you’ve been watching the news or reading political blogs, you may have noticed Republican Senate hopeful Rand Paul buried under a stack of shit bricks. Last week, shortly after winning the Republican primary in Kentucky, Paul was struck with Sayabunchofunfortunateshititis and started spewing political diarrhea out of his mouth for packs of rabid media wolves to quickly lap up.
Rand Paul
A little back story on Rand Paul, he’s the son of Ron Paul, the Texas governor beloved by droves of exciteable Internet creatures. Ron Paul ran for president in 2008 and nothing really came of it. He’s a libertarian which means he’s pretty unelectable in American politics. Regardless, Ron Paul’s libertarian “government is a horrible beast monster that must be stopped” mentality rings pretty true to the Tea Party movement. Likewise, Rand Paul is also a teabagger darling.
Rand, named after free market economist Randy “Macho Man” Savage, is now running to be a Senator in Kentucky this November. Even though he’s running Republican, Rand has a lot of libertarian views; views which are now giving his campaign staff the blues.
The free market is number 1. OH YEAH!
He’s been having a hard time in the media since winning last week’s primary. He went on NPR and the Rachel Maddow Show and admitted that he did not agree with one of the key components of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. He didn’t disagree with the whole act, just the part that desegregated lunch counters and other private businesses.
His campaign manager is going crazy right now trying to play Public Relations cleanup. And no, I’m not talking about Chris Hightower, Rand Paul’s campaign manager who posted “Happy Nigger Day!” on his facebook with a picture of a lynched slave. He was fired for that and they brought in a new campaign manager who doesn’t make racially insensitive status updates. So Rand’s non-racist campaign manager has to deal with not only the Civil Rights comments, but the bad publicity that goes along with having a campaign manager with a blatantly racist facebook.
Now with everyone talking about the Civil Rights Act, a new development is causing Rand and his staff to slam their heads against walls. Stormfront, America’s most famous Nazi website, is now supporting Rand Paul and donating money to his campaign. Oy. Rand and his father have denounced their racist supporters in the past, saying that “Nazis support big government.” Still, getting money and public support from Nazi skinheads is enough to make any politician say “Oh fuck” and punch something.
It’s also important to note that I’m not calling Rand Paul a racist. After all, he says he abhors racism. He just believes in a philosophy that, when applied in the real world, allows racists to openly discriminate in the American public marketplace without facing any consequences. It’s totally different.
In other words, Rand’s campaign seems super fucked right now.
But Rand, don’t get yourself down. This is the greatest country on Earth, so if it doesn’t embrace you, I say look to the stars. The only way to get back into the race is to appeal to aliens and the good folks who swear to God that they’re real. If your world is crumbling down and all you have on your side are Internet Nazis and adults wearing tea bags on their face with no sense of irony whatsoever, what do you have to lose by reaching out to people who believe UFOs have abducted them? You’re on the fringe. You might as well get cozy and make some friends.
No longer can the government lie to us. You exist!
Cause Rand has to be in trouble. Here in America, we don’t tolerate racism. Well, sure a new Fox News poll shows that 72% of Fox News viewers oppose the Civil Rights Act, but that’s just a meaningless poll. Just like this poll that says 40% of people believe aliens walk among us. There’s no way Kentucky has a voting population with over 50% racists and UFO believers, right? Right?!
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