Dueling: A Gentleman’s Guide to Shooting Someone

“A man says something which another tells him is a lie. They fight, but whichever is killed the point in dispute remains unsettled.”

Ben Franklin, guy who wasn’t president

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You know what annoys ME? Settling disputes without guns.

Today I am going to teach you how to Duel in the 21st century.  Dueling(or man-fighting) has been around for hundreds of years.  It is only recently(200 hundred years ago) that mankind went on its period and stopped being bad asses.  Now i personally, think it is hippo-shit not to be allowed a gentlemanly duel if one’s honor has been tarnished.  How would one get it back?  By being the bigger man?

NEWS FLASH!!

The bigger man gets to die.  The honorable man gets to shoot someone in the face!  Who do you wanna be?  But of, course we aren’t barbarians or people from Arkansas, there are rules to dueling.  Here are some key rules according to the Code Duello of 1777:

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1.  A duel is issued when one party has suffered a grievous offense from another party, such as insults, bad press or because you just don’t fucking like them.  Or for no reason at all.  That’s right, I can make up something someone did to me, challenge them to a duel and they have to except or face the consequences(detailed below). This is called “demanding satisfaction”.  Satisfaction is given when the chump accepts to the duel.  This is signified by throwing ones glove or gauntlet to the ground.

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2.  A Duel then is accepted when the opposite party bends and picks up the glove or gauntlet. The Offending party has the right to choose weapons from swords to pistols.  If the opposing party refuses to pick up the glove or backs out at the last second, the insulted party has the RIGHT to slander the other all around town and the town has to pretty much shun them for being a little bitch.

 

 

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3. Each party must have a Second, or guy who watches you shoot someone.  The Second’s job is to be the  guy in your posse who tells the other guy “He ain’t got shit” and that he ” Gunna get FUCKED up, now!”  But more importantly, so that every one follows the rules because, again, we aren’t from Arkansas.  Also you can get your Second to duel for you.  YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO FUCKING DUEL!  But who wants to watch someone else shoot an asshole when you can?

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4. Most duels begin at dawn so that crybabies don’t complain about the sound of humans dying by gunfire or the call the cops.  You would stand back to back and walk ten paces(or five if you are reeeeeally pissed off) turn and fire.  The winner didn’t get shot.  The loser did.  simple.

If BOTH parties missed you would fire until you hit them or ran out of bullets and just went home.

Now you could duel to First Blood or Death.  If you dueled til Death and your first hit didn’t kill them, you could reload and fire again at their quivering body until they were riddled with bullets or until you were “satisfied”

“now this is all well and good, Cast-money, but you’re talking in the 19th century!  Times are different.”

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Fuck you.  Times are the same, people are pussies.

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Lets say I’m at a bar and I see David Hyde Pierce and a particular shitty

episode of Fraiser is on TV.  Naturally, I walk over to him and I say “FUck you Niles!” and throw down my glove and challenge him to a duel(and yes in this scenario I carry a dueling glove around me at all times).  Now if he doesn’t pick it up I get to slander his ass til my voice is hoarse from saying “Fraiser Fucker” and DHP can’t get a job anywhere and Fraiser goes out of syndication.

Now should DHP accept he would have the luxury of picking up my glove and choosing the weapons. I both parties would, at that point:

go home

sleep with their prespective wives

give their children a fatherly nod.

drink whiskey.

 

So I grab my Second, Robert Hughes of Bolingbrook IL, and we meet at dawn in Wigglyville dog park, Chicago.  Surrounded by single dog owners trying desperately to make conversation with each other, I march ten paces turn and fire shooting DHP in the liver.  Him, Bleeding profusely and Me, reeking of gin and skittles.  We shake hands and go on our way.

fuck….YES!  That’s how you settle a dispute! And it didn’t take that long either.   I’m happy because I got revenge on David Hyde Pierce that he was totally innocent of and David Hyde Pierce is happy because he gets residual checks from Fraiser still and probably won’t die (depending on how fast they can stop the bleeding).  The system works!

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This, of course, is just an example on how to kill douchebags in a modern setting.  The point is that dueling is not only the best way to settle arguments, its a Gentleman’s way.  Why?  We live in a society but that doesn’t mean murder people without consequence.  And because nothing says “you’re right” like a man dead at your feet.

Famous Duelists:

Aaron Burr

Why: He fucking killed the guy on the Ten, that’s why

Andrew Jackson

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Why: Challenged more people to duels than he jerked off.  Challenged Charles Dickinson to a duel, LET him shoot first, got shot, stood up, and shot Dickinson dead.  Did i mention he was our president?

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La Maupin

Why:  Was a chick and a lesbian and killed an entire room of dudes who accused her of insulting women they were dancing with, which she had done.

YOU

Why: because you dueled a douchebag in the 21st century

end.