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Note: This is part 2 of a 3-part series. Part 1 (the 1st-15th Presidents) can be found here.
Abraham Lincoln: Today, I realized that I ended the Civil War yet don’t even have enough sway to snag front row theater seats. On a completely unrelated note, hope I don’t die! FML
Andrew Johnson: Today, I was impeached. I’m the first U.S. president that people actually want to fire. That’ll be a great way for the history books to remember me. FML
Ulysses S. Grant: Today, an amendment got ratified that gives all men the right to vote regardless of race. There goes all of my Klan support. FML
Rutherford B. Hayes: Today, I passed a bunch of Jim Crow laws without reading them. I assumed they were laws designed to keep crows out of our cornfields…wrong again, Rutherford. FML
James A. Garfield: Today, Alexander Graham Bell brought in a metal detector that he invented to find the bullet lodged in my spine. He couldn’t find it because I’m on a metal bed frame. Hope I don’t die! FML
Chester A. Arthur: Today, I had to take the oath of office. For the second time in two days. I feel like an idiot. FML
Grover Cleveland: Today, I became the first president to serve two non-consecutive terms. I hate this job, but I can’t get work at the orphanage because my mustache frightens children. FML
Benjamin Harrison: Today, Cleveland was elected president again. Nothing makes me feel better about my job then when the American people say, “You know what? Let’s just go back to that other guy.” FML
William McKinley: Today, an assassin’s bullet went through my stomach, pancreas, and kidney. I’m never going back to Buffalo again. FML
Teddy Roosevelt: Today, they named a goddamned plush bear after me. FML
William Howard Taft: Today, I tried to pass an amendment stating that all “husky gentlemen” are allowed to vote in every election twice. Got shot down pretty fast. FML
Woodrow Wilson: Today, I looked in the mirror and felt proud of my accomplishments as a human being. Then I remembered that I didn’t learn to read until I was ten. FML
Warren G. Harding: Today, I had a heart attack. My doctor seems to think it was a stroke. My left arm begs to differ. Hope I don’t die! FML
Calvin Coolidge: Today, my son died from an infected blister that he got from playing tennis. I guess I’ll just play it safe and never engage in leisure activities again. FML
Herbert Hoover: Today, Black Tuesday happened. FML
