By Cloud on December 16, 2010 
Put on your earmuffs and let's go!
It’s fun being poor in Chicago, especially during the holidays! So far, I’ve prepared for Santa’s big debut by vacating the merry Dollar Tree, seeing the lights of Magnificent Mile, and listening to Christmas tunes all the day long. If you have recently become poor, you will learn that sometimes you have to find sneaky sneak ways to be creative and thrifty at festive times like these. I would like to share some holiday ideas for enjoying the holidays for F-R-E-E.
First, I would suggest having a night where you and your roommates kick it 1700’s style, light some candles (which instantly make the mood both spookier and sexier), and read classic Christmas stories. For arts and crafts hour, scrounge up old sweaters and buttons and sew some goofy looking animal friends. If you don’t have any heat, just grab a fruity drink, and find a You Tube of Hawaiian landscapes such as this one: (You’ll feel warmer in no time!)
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t3wILZlWiQ
You don’t need to buy tickets to an expensive symphony orchestra. Instead, pretend you have a child of your own and crash a nearby school’s holiday concert. Yell out a common girl/boy’s name in between songs to fit in. I would make sure to wear an ugly Wal-Mart sweater and mom jeans, or if you’re a guy, bring an outdated camera.
"Good job, Steve! Good antlers!"
I realize this may seem strange, but you get to enjoy the sweet sounds of Christmas! And maybe get some bonus cookies and punch afterward, who knows. Come on, what’s more creepy: an over-enthusiastic, young parent or that guy in the back that no one knows? Exactly.
Remember, the holidays are all over town, not just in your living room! You can go on a mission to find the holiday el train, stare into Christmas windows like the Little Match Girl, or go to that magical place full of Christmas and all tales, the library. Instead of avoiding that one table with the homeless lady as per usual, make an effort to be her friend. People that live in carts are people too.
If you’re in the mood for a hoppin’ good time, you can throw a party with a budget of ZERO! First, gather up all of the food that you haven’t eaten in a several months. This will probably include dry pasta, cans of beans, some old bread, and salad dressing. Put everything into pretty bowls so that people won’t know it’s not appetizing until they eat it. Also, two words: holiday sprinkles. Add some red and green sprinkles to any dish to Christmasify it. Boring old Vanilla cake mix in a box? Now it’s Funfetti! Regular can of chicken soup? Now it’s a beautiful swirl of Christmas cheer.
It'll be like this, but much less appetizing!
For decorations, you can “borrow” lawn décor from your neighbors that just happened to blow away into the wind or deflate. For a poor man’s tree, find some shrubbery or make a pyramid of green paper towels. If you have access to a very large crane, you can help to misplace the Daley Center tree. I would suggest doing this around 3am when it is least suspicious and not many people are about.
Sometimes the saddest things are the most beautiful things.
Guests at your party should dress up in cost-free costumes as well, and you can provide them with some amazing suggestions. They can wear all brown, tape cotton balls to themselves, and go as hot chocolate. Guests can wear all red and wrap themselves in toilet paper diagonally to become the candy cane queen! Or guests can obtain three white pillows, tape them to their front side, and don a top hat. (Is that Frosty the Snowman?? I can’t tell the difference!)
Instead of white elephant gifts, just make those really dumb coupons for “Free Hug” or “Free Back Massage.” People may be more likely to use these than some gift cards anyways. Also, don’t be a stranger to the “free” section of craigslist. Whatever you find here doesn’t have to be in mint condition, just make sure it isn’t diseased or partly alive. Another option is to steal from mean, old, Grinchy people. Hey man, if they attacked you in any way, you were just confiscating their weapon as self defense. Remember that.
For the after party, you’ve got a few options:
-Crash someone else’s party. Facebook wins the day on this one.
-Go out to the bars and pretend to be foreign / a celebrity so that people buy you drinks
-Hotel hopping
Hotel hopping is awesome because you can enjoy the luxuries of fancy hotels for free. The key is to pretend that you are staying at the hotel, and then you can lounge in front of luminescent Christmas trees and enjoy free coffee. Bonus points if you find a stray room key on a table; then you can access the swimming pool and fun rooms at no cost. If you are the friendly type, wait for someone to open the pool door or just make some new friends at the fireplace in the lobby.
To top off your holiday season, find a free ice skating rink or make your own rink with a fire hose, a la Hey Arnold, Season One, Episode Six.
I have seen this house with my own eyes. It is happy about free holiday goodness.
I hope I have filled your head with sugar plums and dollar store merriment! Now go off and enjoy the final weeks before Christmas! And don’t you dare spend a dime.
